Lessons abound even when there’s no one around. Living alone is the best way to learn about yourself. How messy you apartment is, is a reflection of how bloody disorganised you are as a person.

Well lets move on and see what comes next. Change keeps happening. Sometimes the unexpected can happen again and again.

I shan’t rewrite history, as tempting as it gets.

Happier days.

Got into quarrel and it was definitely because of the way I phrased something. LOL. Should I have censored it… well maybe. But would I? Nah, then it wouldn’t be honest anymore. I can’t control how she sees things, so at least I’ll just say what I have in mind my way.

Epic isn’t it.

I will not act in anger, despondence nor discomfort.

I will focus on what I can, not what I can’t.

To build on what I have, not to contextualise the abstract of what I lack.

Create a better me, lesser he.

Making sure what people see is my face, not a facade.

Sugar sweet lime,
have a good time.
Have your fun,
while you play in the sun.
But please don’t stray,
don’t let me throw these dreams away.
I seek betterment as a definition,
not for recognition.

Now its as though what I’m wearing is my own skin. Not an image, not a character, just pure unadulterated me. Not defining myself by what I wear, how I do my hair or if I’m staying here or going over there. Just doing what’s comfortable. No fronts. The earrings are still there, I like them. They’re me not because they portray a certain image, I just fancy having them. The hair’s more tamed. But the amalgamation of the parts is what creates me as a whole. Skin’s still slightly marred at the moment though. It’ll pass eventually.

Crisp.

New.

Shiny.

I don’t feel completely caustic at the moment. Going through the same shit thrice isn’t cool.

Somehow, I don’t know if I should still hold on to my dream. It seems so remote and impossible. Admittedly, I don’t intend to do anything conventional once I’ve got it. Medicine? It happens to only a select few.

Till I know for sure though, I’ll let the chips fall where they may.

I’ve cleared out everything from my current inventory of posts. That phase is over. New people, same friends and it makes for great company. I’ve come round the bend. Negativity needs to be nipped at the bud. I catch myself habouring self-degrading notions of, well, myself and it doesn’t sit well with me. Not a single iota. I look at myself more honestly now. I don’t make time for self pity, its no good, not healthy and not very sexy. We all need time to hide and weep, collect out shatted egos and find our pride.

Sometimes it takes more testicular fortitude to move on and make things right in a different manner. Not running away from the past, but acknowledging it — taking the result slips, wiping your perky arse and strutting off to make sure the next time you see such a slip, it doesn’t have to endure the same perilous fate.

I look forward to the future with so much more zest and enthusiasm that I could hardly care for the pitfalls that I’ve navigated myself straight into and the transgressions I’ve embellished my personal record with. Lets start the future, now. With the present. You can’t change the past, you can’t tell what the future will be like, but you can actually decide to have a better lunch than starving yourself. Focus on the now, enjoy the moment, because like Ang Hwee said, “This moment now, its gone. Right now is a different moment. You can’t keep going through life unhappy.”. Finally I see the light.

Perhaps now that I’m not such self-debilitating, self harming wimp, the biggest hindrance to me as an athlete is gone.

I’ve learnt to enjoy. Shopping; Nights out with Valerie; Hanging out with Rishik, Kiran and the rest of the Brady bunch; Fervin’s sound advice. I’ve learnt to enjoy living and not endure living.

Its alot healthier now, my state of mind, my emotional state. Everything is in a superior condition.

Only thing is… I’m hungry again.

No. Not for sex you dickwads.